Every time I sit to write about one topic, I find myself wandering off onto other topics. It feels wrong to start writing about a book I recently read and loved (A Little Way of Homeschooling: Thirteen Families Discover Catholic Unschooling by Suzie Andres), and how it was just what I needed as I have been struggling with unschooling and then go off onto how I have struggled just to survive day to day since July 20, 2010. Then go into how hard it has been to completely change our diet to try and accommodate little Corbin who cannot eat wheat, citrus, dairy and a variety of vegetables (and probably more that I cannot think of), which brings up how I have been trying to alter my own diet to try and shrink the growth in my thyroid. There is just so much going on, I can't keep all of it straight myself. It makes choosing one topic to write about that much harder.
I keep feeling called to write about my brother and my own grief, but to do that I have to face so much that I don't want to. It is much easier to continue faking day to day that everything is ok. For those first few weeks being able to write was the only thing that got me out of bed and able to face each day. I have been trying to write privately since then, but it just doesn't work. Maybe posting my rambling thoughts will keep me accountable and help me feel like I am getting things 'out there' to deal with rather than privately trying to deal with this.
I pray for courage because I am such a private person as was my brother. People who know me generally know very little about my past. That is, in part, because I do not want to be defined by my past. Also, it is hard to share my story (in which I have to be the protagonist) without saying things about others in my life that are less than complimentary. The idea of tarnishing the reputation of those I love bothers me greatly, but again I feel called to share - at least part of it.
At a baby shower 2 months after my brother died there was a gift swap and I got the book 10 Prayers God Always Says Yes To by Anthony DeStefano. In so many ways that book was just what I needed. I had not been able to pray since my brother died, I had gone to Mass and said grace before meals, but I was just going through the motions. I didn't feel it, and the book helped me get that back. One of the first chapters is "God Show Me You Exist" and while I had never doubted God's existence the book pointed out something I had never thought of. I was not really raised Catholic, my mom was a fallen away Catholic and my dad has always been more into the New Age scene. My parents were a bit ahead of the game in relation to how people are parenting today. My mom was big into home births (when they were illegal), attachment parenting, breastfeeding, eating whole foods, limiting television and avoiding commercials all long before it became popular. Religion was not a part of my life in any way before I was 11. My mom remembers talking to us about God and angels and the Devil, but I have little recollection of it - other than one instance. When I was about 4 my sister and I were taking a bath and playing when I looked up and saw a small figure made of light float past the open doorway. It was a very simple figure and did nothing threatening, but it startled me. I asked my sister if she saw it (she didn't) and we called to my mom to ask her about it. I still remember very clearly what the figure looked like, and whether it was my mom's explanation that I don't remember beyond "it was an angel" or something about that encounter, I have never doubted the existence of God. Even when my life was at its darkest and I was almost consumed with hatred and evil, I never doubted. I had not thought of that in years until reading "God Show me You Exist." In it Anthony says to be careful asking for definitive proof of God's existence because when he does, that person is expected to endure great things (he gives some examples like Moses, the apostles and St Paul). How true that has been in my life. I didn't ask for all this, yet here it is. If I had not encountered God's messenger would I be more like my sister who is still so lost and so hurt? I certainly don't feel like my life is completely together or even that I could be considered successful. What I can say is that despite everything I am here and I love God and the Church for helping me get here. I have a wonderful dedicated husband, 7 beautiful healthy children and we love each other and enjoy being together. Everything else isn't quite as I would like it, but that is ok because all those other things are not anywhere near as important.
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