A Few Reasons I am Catholic Today

First would be my Mom who introduced us to Catholicism, it really was better late than never. She was and in many ways still is stuck knowing much of the Faith without understanding it, and therefore unable to live it or explain it to any of us kids. She did the best she could, and for that I am grateful.

My grandmother who prayed for the conversion of all her family daily, and taught us a few simple prayers when my siblings and I were little.

Steve, my high school teacher who challenged me on matters of faith. His pro-abortion stance made me own my pro-life stance as well as the tenents of Catholicism - though I was not practicing them at that point.

Fr. Amsberry for encouraging my fledgling Faith along when Jeff and I moved to a new state away from family and were living in sin. I worked my way into the Church, learned so much and have never looked back.

Above all though, Jonathan, my brother. If it weren't for him I would not be Catholic today. Finding the Church for him was like getting his first breath of air after struggling underwater for most of his life. He challenged me in different ways and like a good big brother took my hand and led me through the door my mom had shown us. We had so many conversations and plans of how we would fix the world by spreading the logic behind the Faith. While still living at home after I had come back from the brink of destruction, yet still stood near the edge of a terrible fall, he would take me and the kids to Mass. There was no arguing with him. He said it was time to go, so we did. A routine I continued even after moving out of state and away from all family. Even being 3,000 miles from each other, I went to him if I had questions and we grew together in our understanding of Christ and the Church.

A Little...or Big...Detour

Every time I sit to write about one topic, I find myself wandering off onto other topics. It feels wrong to start writing about a book I recently read and loved (A Little Way of Homeschooling: Thirteen Families Discover Catholic Unschooling by Suzie Andres), and how it was just what I needed as I have been struggling with unschooling and then go off onto how I have struggled just to survive day to day since July 20, 2010. Then go into how hard it has been to completely change our diet to try and accommodate little Corbin who cannot eat wheat, citrus, dairy and a variety of vegetables (and probably more that I cannot think of), which brings up how I have been trying to alter my own diet to try and shrink the growth in my thyroid. There is just so much going on, I can't keep all of it straight myself. It makes choosing one topic to write about that much harder.

I keep feeling called to write about my brother and my own grief, but to do that I have to face so much that I don't want to. It is much easier to continue faking day to day that everything is ok. For those first few weeks being able to write was the only thing that got me out of bed and able to face each day. I have been trying to write privately since then, but it just doesn't work. Maybe posting my rambling thoughts will keep me accountable and help me feel like I am getting things 'out there' to deal with rather than privately trying to deal with this.

I pray for courage because I am such a private person as was my brother. People who know me generally know very little about my past. That is, in part, because I do not want to be defined by my past. Also, it is hard to share my story (in which I have to be the protagonist) without saying things about others in my life that are less than complimentary. The idea of tarnishing the reputation of those I love bothers me greatly, but again I feel called to share - at least part of it.

At a baby shower 2 months after my brother died there was a gift swap and I got the book 10 Prayers God Always Says Yes To by Anthony DeStefano. In so many ways that book was just what I needed. I had not been able to pray since my brother died, I had gone to Mass and said grace before meals, but I was just going through the motions. I didn't feel it, and the book helped me get that back. One of the first chapters is "God Show Me You Exist" and while I had never doubted God's existence the book pointed out something I had never thought of. I was not really raised Catholic, my mom was a fallen away Catholic and my dad has always been more into the New Age scene. My parents were a bit ahead of the game in relation to how people are parenting today. My mom was big into home births (when they were illegal), attachment parenting, breastfeeding, eating whole foods, limiting television and avoiding commercials all long before it became popular. Religion was not a part of my life in any way before I was 11. My mom remembers talking to us about God and angels and the Devil, but I have little recollection of it - other than one instance. When I was about 4 my sister and I were taking a bath and playing when I looked up and saw a small figure made of light float past the open doorway. It was a very simple figure and did nothing threatening, but it startled me. I asked my sister if she saw it (she didn't) and we called to my mom to ask her about it. I still remember very clearly what the figure looked like, and whether it was my mom's explanation that I don't remember beyond "it was an angel" or something about that encounter, I have never doubted the existence of God. Even when my life was at its darkest and I was almost consumed with hatred and evil, I never doubted. I had not thought of that in years until reading "God Show me You Exist." In it Anthony says to be careful asking for definitive proof of God's existence because when he does, that person is expected to endure great things (he gives some examples like Moses, the apostles and St Paul). How true that has been in my life. I didn't ask for all this, yet here it is. If I had not encountered God's messenger would I be more like my sister who is still so lost and so hurt? I certainly don't feel like my life is completely together or even that I could be considered successful. What I can say is that despite everything I am here and I love God and the Church for helping me get here. I have a wonderful dedicated husband, 7 beautiful healthy children and we love each other and enjoy being together. Everything else isn't quite as I would like it, but that is ok because all those other things are not anywhere near as important.

I Can't Do It All

I can't do it all. There, I said it. I really wish I could have a healthy strong prayer life, keep up with house and yard work, do house repairs, finish the garage and basement, work on the cars, keep up with the kids' various interests and classes (and feel confident in where they are), cook healthy food from scratch every day, plant and grow a good sized veggie garden, keep up on my emails, update my blog and the family blog, find sales to get the items we need at the best price possible, fulfill my duties in one homeschool group, participate in other homeschool groups, start a new Catholic homeschool group out near me, deal with my health issues, implement any number of ideas to try and bring in a little money and spend time with my kids and husband together as well as individually. Oh and of course, some time for myself and following the news stories, blogs and various topics that interest me.

It isn't reasonable to think I can do even half of these things, and yet I can't help but think that if I just planned my days right I could squeeze in a little more...

I have to prioritize and that is where I get frustrated and want to give up. At this point we are barely getting by with housework, the kids' interests and classes, cooking a lot from scratch (since Corbin has food sensitivities that severely limit what we can have) and dealing with my health issues. Everything else is done nominally or not at all. I have been trying to pray more regularly, and I suppose I should be asking for some peace with not being able to 'do it all' and guidance in prioritizing. That is a good place to start anyway.

Now off to put little ones and my barely recovering from a cold self into bed.